T~Transitions

A few weeks ago I experienced a difficult situation that has led me to make a small change that has had a big effect.

My husband and I decided to get out and run a couple of errands on a Saturday, a windy day. My decision to not wear a wig, and only wear hats was tested on this day.
I don't know why but on this day I was feeling very self conscious, particularly about people staring at me or looking at me with sympathy. Normally I notice it but can just go about my day and it doesn't bother me. This day it did.

As we walked from the car to the store it was so windy I had to hold my hat on my head for fear of it blowing off and my little bald, gray straggly head being exposed for all to see. Normally something like this I would get a great laugh out of, but not this day.

The young clerk at the checkout doesn't make eye contact at the counter, more stares and looks of pity, at least that's how I felt, it's what I saw.

I shared with my husband that I felt uncomfortable. He reassured me that people were not staring. We then went to a favorite restaurant for lunch. Beautiful day, minus the wind, we decided to eat on the patio outdoors.It was very crowded and again I felt the stares. Becoming more and more uncomfortable I then found myself having to hold my hat on my head with one hand and eat with the other. Then my head sank lower towards my plate, just trying to eat and not loose my hat.

As soon as we were done my husband asked if I wanted to walk around the shops. I said no and looked for the shortest path back to our car.
I cried the whole way home. I just wanted to get back to my home and crawl under my blanket. I have never experienced this at this level before.
Am I embarrassed because I have cancer...NO! Do I have a bad day once in a while...YES!
So, what do I do to prevent another day like that one? Transition from "hat" to "hats with hair"! I bought a hair halo that I wear under any hat so it looks like you have hair. I gave it a try for the first time on Tuesday and it worked beautifully!

Whether or not what I felt that day was as bad as I thought or not, this small change that transitions me on the outside for just a little while seems to help. I think that's ok right now.